


Chaos Strangles My Sanity

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [9]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hospitalisation, Ligature, M/M, Medication, Mental Illness, Nightmares, OCD, Panic Attacks, Schizoaffective Disorder, Self Harm, Sleep Terrors, mental health, psychiatric hospital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 11:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8284150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseInspired by Illusions by Sadus, this chapter unfolds long after Tyler's first 14 months admission to Cygnet. He's not holding up so great, and Josh doesn't know what to do anymore.Read notes for TW





	

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS AND TRIGGERS
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> This chapter includes description of a ligature, stay safe frens xx

Josh woke up at 4.30am to the sound of Tyler sobbing next to him in their bed. Josh rubbed his eyes and propped himself up a bit, and saw that Tyler was crying in his sleep again. He gently wiped the tears from his husband's cheeks, then rubbed his back supportively.

"Sweetheart, you're okay," he whispered quietly. "Shh Ty, shhh, you're alright, I'm here,"  
"Ahhhfuc-" Tyler suddenly cried out, sitting bolt upright panicked.  
"Tyler babe, shhh you're alright," Josh comforted him, sitting up next to him and pulling the sobbing man into a hug, cradling him against his chest.

"Imssorry,"  
"Did you have another bad dream?" Josh asked, and Tyler nodded against him. "The same one as earlier or a different one?"  
"Same," Tyler sniffed, still crying.  
"Shh, alright darling, it's okay I'm here, I've got you,"  
"I can't, I can't keep doing this Josh," the borderline hysterical man wept.  
"I know babe, it's scary I know, shh come on, lie back down with me. I'll look after you I promise," Josh reassured him, then carefully they laid back down again.

"Jo-osh,"  
"I'm here, I'm here,"  
"My, my p-pillow's all w-wet," Tyler sobbed.  
"It's okay, I'll make it better, don't worry Ty I'll fix it. Here, let me turn it for you sweetheart," Josh said calmly, holding Tyler with one hand and flipping his pillow over with the other.

"It's still wet from last ti-me," Tyler cried once his head touched the pillow again, which hadn't dried since he had cried against it 3 hours ago and Josh had flipped it for him.  
"Sweetheart you can use mine, yeah, there we go," Josh soothed, getting rid of the wet one and pushing his pillow across into Tyler's space. Tyler didn't reply but Josh could hear his sobs were getting more and more frantic.  
"Tyler, don't overthink it, it's just a pillow,"  
"It's not just a pillow,"  
"Yes it is, and tell that silly head of yours to shut up if it says anything different. Come on handsome, you're alright. The nasty dream is over sweetheart, yeah, and you can sleep on my chest if you need to." Josh said softly, then helping Tyler reposition himself with his head on Josh's pecs. Josh stroked Tyler's hair for a minute whilst he continued to cry, feeling his own pyjama shirt begin to turn damp with his husband's tears.

"No, sorry no, I can't do this," Tyler said, sitting up again.  
"Alright sweetheart, it's almost morning so we can get up if you need to, yeah?"  
"Yeah," Tyler whispered, so Josh rubbed his back then got out of bed himself.

He lent over to the bedside and switched on the lamp, flinching at the bright light that cast long shadows on the walls and revealed Tyler sobbing on the end of the bed. Josh stroked Tyler's hair briefly as he walked past him and over to the door.

Their dressing gowns were hung up on a hook, and Josh put his on. Before he took Tyler's, he quickly checked its pockets and made sure that he hadn't hidden anything. He found three loose tablets and sighed, unsure of whether Tyler had put them there whilst skipping meds or whether he was hiding them for another purpose. Regardless, he shoved them in his own pocket and then pulled out the cord so Tyler couldn't ligature with it. Josh then took the safe dressing gown and walked back to Tyler.

"Ty, Ty sweetie let's put this on yeah? Then we can go downstairs," Josh said softly, holding the gown out. Tyler shakily reached an arm out, and Josh helped him slide it on, then hugged the sitting man.

"I hate this," Tyler murmured through the tears as Josh kissed the top of his head.  
"I know Tyler, and so do I, but we've got each other, yeah? You've got me sweetheart, I'm here,"

 

 

As Tyler sat on the barstool, wiping his silently falling tears with his sleeve, he watched Josh closely. Josh knew that 4.40am was too early for Tyler's morning meds, so he popped out his PRN meds instead. He also knew that Tyler was struggling with swallowing pills recently, so crushed the medication with the back of a spoon and dissolved it into a glass of water.

"There you go sweetheart," Josh smiled gently, placing the glass in front of Tyler.  
"Wh-what is it?" Tyler asked timidly.  
"Water with diazepam,"  
"How much?"  
"10mg,"  
"It's too much," Tyler said, pushing the glass away and causing a little to splash out.  
"Sweetheart, it's the same as usual,"  
"Don't want it,"  
"Alright babe, I won't make you," Josh reassured him, standing behind him and wrapping his arms around his fragile husband, resting his chin on his head.

"I'm so tired Josh," Tyler sobbed again, the jerking movements rejoining the tears.  
"I know honey,"  
"So tired," he choked, Josh still holding him from behind.  
"It's alright babe, I'll help you have a shower if you'd like, and then we can get some food and drink in you and hopefully that will wake you up a bit. And the Sun will be up soon which always wakes people up more,"  
"Josh you don't, you don't understand,"

"I'm sorry Ty, look I know these nightmares are crap, so so crap, and I know it's been a while since you've had a full night's sleep but we just need to keep working through them, one night at a time. It's a bad patch, but the patches always end yeah? They'll stop soon I promise,"  
"I just want to sleep, but I-I'm too s-scared,"  
"Oh sweetheart, Ty come here," Josh said, turning around and scooping him into a proper hug, squeezing him tightly.

"I'm done,"  
"No don't say that Ty, we'll get through this," Josh whispered against Tyler's hair.  
"I can't do it anymore,"  
"Yeah you can, you're the bravest guy I kn-"  
"I give up,"  
"No, no you don't,"  
"I don't see how I'm going to get any better," Tyler sobbed.  
"Tyler we'll sort it, I promise we'll sort it. I know everything seems overwhelmingly scary and therefore impossible to beat, but I also know that that's not the case. You can beat this Tyler, you absolutely can. I understand what an intimidating idea that might seem, but that's only because everything seems scarier when you're tired. Tyler you haven't had any meds for 10 hours, haven't eaten in 2 days, and you're exhausted. I know it's scary, but will you come sit with me on the couch next door and try and get some rest? I promise I'll keep hold of you and watch and if I see the slightest flinch or whimper then I'll wake you up and get you out of the nightmare immediately. Will you try?"

 

 

Despite Tyler agreeing to try and sleep, it still took half an hour for him to let himself sit down on the couch next to Josh.

Josh took off his dressing gown and wrapped it around them both as a small blanket, although Tyler didn't seem to be finding it comforting. But as soon as Josh felt Tyler's head touch against his chest, he knew Tyler had drifted off to sleep. The man was in desperate need of it, and Josh was relieved that he was finally getting a little, even if only for a few minutes.

 

 

Josh felt his own heavy eyelids begin to close as he listened to the cute snores Tyler was producing, but shook his sleep deprived head and focused on watching his husband again like he had promised. Just as he felt himself nodding forwards again, Tyler twisted his head sharply.

"Tyler. Tyler, time to wake up, come on Tyler." Josh said whilst firmly shaking Tyler's shoulders, feeling a little guilty for waking him but knowing it was for the best. "Tyler, yeah that's it sweetheart, I'm sorry but I wanted to end the scary dream for you, yeah, take a moment,"  
"Th-thank you," Tyler whispered, sitting up and leaning forwards with his head in his hands.  
"You're okay babe, you're okay," Josh reassured him whilst rubbing his back supportively.

"I uh, I'm, I, I, fuck,"  
"Take your time, I've got as long as you need and more."  
"Can you, uh, is the um, the diazepam still next door?"  
"It won't work anymore because it's been quite a while, but I can dissolve another dosage for you if you'd like me to?" Josh offered, and Tyler quickly nodded. "Alright babe, please will you come with me?"  
"I, uh, I can't,"  
"Why not sweetheart? I don't want you alone,"  
"Josh please, they're telling me I can't leave, so please, please just make them shut up," Tyler said quietly, staring straight ahead. Josh sighed, not feeling entirely comfortable but rubbing Tyler's back again and standing up.  
"Okay I'll quickly go, but please sweetheart, stay safe," Josh told him, leaning down and kissing him on the forehead then wiping the tears that had silently fallen from Tyler's watery eyes.

 

As Josh popped out Tyler's tablets for the second time that morning, he included an extra one that pushed the dosage up to its maximum, but he knew Tyler needed it. Once he filled a glass with water and began stirring the crushed powder in, he checked his phone.

Despite it being 5.30am, Josh saw a message from Tyler's mom asking whether he needed her to come round later. Josh finished dissolving the medication and rinsed the spoon and put it to dry, then replied yes to Kelly.

He walked steadily back, careful not to spill the overfilled glass, but dropped it to the ground once he saw Tyler.

"Fuck fuck fuck," Josh panicked, running over to where his partner was collapsed on the floor with Josh's dressing gown cord tied around his neck. With shaking hands, Josh moved Tyler's unconscious head desperately trying to find the knot. It was tied too tightly for his trembling fingers and Josh felt tears running down his cheeks as Tyler's face went redder and redder.

"Fuck Tyler," Josh's voice cracked, standing back up and stumbling over to the pen pot on the far coffee table and quickly finding the scissors through blurred vision. He felt a sob escape his lips as he crashed back down to his knees beside his choking and writhing unconscious husband.

"Sh, Ty shh, I'm g-gon-na cut it," he sobbed, trying to pull the cord enough to fit the scissor blade underneath, but Tyler's head bucked as his body begged for breath and the small part of the blade Josh had forced under the rope was forced out again, scratching Tyler's skin. Josh ignored the tiny amount of blood as he desperately tried to stop Tyler's face continuing to turn purple. He cut his own finger on the blade but managed to slide it under a tiny gap he made and thankfully the tension in the rope burst against the sharp edge and Tyler gasped.

"Tyler, Ty-ler, you're o-okay baby," Josh whimpered as Tyler gulped down heavy unconscious breaths whilst spluttering. "You're going t-to be o-kay, come on, deep breaths,"

"Hgurghh," Tyler spluttered, trying to clear his throat to Josh's relief. Tears continued dripping down his face as he stroked his husband's hair desperately, anxiously waiting for Tyler to regain consciousness. He picked up his convulsing husband's hand and cupped it in both of his, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it over and over.

"Tyler baby please,"  
"Huurghhh," Tyler retched, his head tipping back then slouching back against the ground. Josh watched anxiously, then sobbed again as Tyler's eyes finally rolled back open.

"Ty sweetheart, Joshie's here, I'm here, you're okay peanut, you're going to be okay. Just deep breaths, you're alright," Josh told him, leaning forwards and planting a kiss on Tyler's forehead. A few of Josh's tears fell onto Tyler's face, but Josh wiped them away for him.  
"Huhh, w-wh-what?" Tyler whispered with a harsh gravel tone before choking again.  
"Shh, don't talk baby, don't talk, I'm here and I've got you," Josh reassured him tearfully as the coughing man sat up on the floor, and Josh pulled him against his chest.

 

 

When Kelly and Chris arrived at 7.30am, Josh made sure that he kept hold of Tyler's hand when they answered the door. As Josh lead them back into the living room, the broken glass and spilt medication-water, cut cord and scissors were still lying on the floor untouched.  
Once Tyler had been well enough, Josh helped him sit on the couch beside him and they hadn't moved since.  
As Kelly put the pieces together, and saw the rope burn on Tyler's neck, she burst into tears. She pulled Josh into the kitchen, despite his protests, and left Tyler under the watchful eye of his father.

 

  
20 minutes later and they rejoined Chris and Tyler to find the younger man sobbing against his father. Josh sat back down next to his husband, and Tyler repositioned to cuddle himself against him instead but continued to sob.

"Tyler sweetheart, you don't have to talk if you don't feel well enough, but I need you to listen to Momma for a couple of minutes okay?" Kelly said as Chris sat back next to her.  
"Yeh," Tyler whispered hoarsely, and Josh kissed him on top of the head.  
"Baby we're worried about you, really worried, and Dad and Josh and I have decided that something's got to change, yeah,"  
"W-what?"  
"Sweetheart, Joshie hasn't been to work in 3 weeks, and you've not been going outside either. You're not looking after yourself baby, and Josh can't look after you either. Not eating, not medicating, not sleeping, and all the ligatures darling. It's too dangerous, you're doing so much damage to yourself Tyler and one of these days Joshie might not be fast enough,"  
"So?"

"Tyler baby, you're not safe, and we all need you to be safe. So we've come up with a little plan, okay?"  
"Josh make her leave," Tyler whispered between sobs.  
"Darling listen to me, when we go home, you and Josh are going to come with us to Momma and Dad's house. You're going to come and live with us for a little while-"  
"No, no please no," Tyler broke down against Josh's shirt.  
"Sweetheart, it's for the best," Josh feebly reassured him.  
"Baby, you're going to live with us until you stop tying these ligatures and start sleeping properly agai-"  
"You don't understand!" He wept hoarsely.

"Tyler help us to understand then," Chris said.  
"I can't, I-I can't just sstop, I, I can't do this,"  
"Well sweetheart, we're going to get you some help again, okay?" Kelly explained. "Josh and I are going to look around a hospital tomorr-"  
"No! No you can't, not Cygnet no I hate you, no no how could you, no no no," Tyler hyperventilated, pulling himself off Josh and hiding his head under his arms and against his knees.

"Baby it's not Cygnet, it's a new hospital, a low security psychiatric hospital I found out about from Dr Wakefield, and it's called Campbell. We are just going for a tour, to see if they can help you. If we don't think it's going to be good then we'll look after you at home. But we can't carry on down this path baby,"  
"No, no I can't, I'll die before you make me go to hospital again,"


End file.
